


Heartstrings

by museticals



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Athlete Bill Denbrough, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak-centric, Fluff, Gay, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Slow Burn, Soft Eddie Kaspbrak, Stanley Uris is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-01 15:51:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15146516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/museticals/pseuds/museticals
Summary: ❝it's difficult for me to isolate what i hate about you the most because there is so, so much to hate...but there is so much more to love❞[it 2017!au][richie tozier x eddie kaspbrak]





	1. The List.

It has only been a couple months since the beginning of Junior year; however, feelings of anxiety were still very prominent within Eddie Kaspbrak. Nervousness ran through Eddie's veins as he held his hands in his khaki short pockets, waiting for his friend, Stan.

Eddie was leaned up against the wall closest to his own locker. Stan told him he would meet him there after the dismissal bell so they could check the casting list for their upcoming production, " _Wizard of Oz._ "

Eddie had practiced his audition a countless amount of times before performing it for their 'casting director', more simply known as the drama teacher, Ms. Cox. Stan has continuously told him he had nothing to worry about, but Eddie worried about everything.

As if on cue, Stan walked up to Eddie. "Still stressing?"

He removed his fingers out of his mouth, for he was previously biting his fingernails, "what do you think?" Eddie stated, lifting his hands up and showing Stan the remains of his nails.

Stan shook his head, "you killed your audition. They'd be stupid to not give you a part."

Eddie shrugged, "we'll see I guess."

Stan and Eddie walk side by side down the hallways towards Eddie's locker - it is on the way to the theatre room.

"Trouble, 6 o'clock," Stan whispers as Eddie is digging through his locker to find his empty pill containers – he has to go for refills after school.

"Stan you know I don't understand directional time or whatever you call it-"

Eddie emerges his head from his locker and he once again sees his old friend. The same raven-haired boy he has been fairly successful at avoiding, only for the purpose of cutting all emotional ties.

But, every time Eddie sees that freckled face, it all hits him like a ton of bricks.

He hasn't seen Richie Tozier since the night of his audition, being football practice took place the same night. They haven't spoken since – well, it's been a long time.

Richie walks passed the two boys with his arm around the same blonde Eddie saw him with a few weeks ago. Eddie quickly shoved his head back into his locker, avoiding eye-contact. A couple seconds passed and all that remained was Richie's scent of cheap cologne.

"H-hey Stan," a familiar voice stated from outside the locker.

"Bill," Stan responded. Eddie removed his head from his locker once again, after he knew the coast was clear. He pulled out his backpack and shut his locker, swinging his bag over his shoulders.

"Hey Bill," Eddie said.

There were a few things Bill wanted to say, he just couldn't bring himself to it. He was worried about Eddie. He knew he missed Richie, but he felt it wasn't his place.

"Hi Eddie, w-what are you guys still d-doing here?" Bill asked, readjusting his football bag on his shoulder.

"Oz," Stan answered. "The list is up. Gotta find out if Eddie got a part."

Eddie looks down at his beaten-up converse shoes, shifting his weight.

"I ho-hope you g-got it," Bill states, causing Eddie to look up from the ground.

"Thanks. Me too," Eddie says quietly, the freckled-face still on his mind.

Bill has been in an internal battle with himself since he stopped to talk to the boys. He told himself it wasn't his place to get involved, but Eddie was still his friend.

"H-have you guys ta-talked? I m-mean," Bill paused.

Stan gave Bill a look, shaking his head sending the simple message of 'don't'

Eddie looked Bill in the eyes, Bill could see the pain in his eyes though it would never be admitted. "Me and Ri- no. We haven't."

Eddie took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut as if it was his way in resetting.

"I'm gonna go check that list. See you around, Bill." Eddie stated, turning around on his heels and walking towards the bulletin board.

"Wh-what happened?" Bill looked at Stan, hopefully.

Stan shrugged, "Richie stopped caring, I guess. Went onto better things, so it must seem to him. Ever since he joined that football team, he made new friends. We became nothing to him." He glanced over at the brunette, who stopped in his tracks at the end of the hallway. Eddie was much too nervous to look at the list on his own.

Bill felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, he still had a small connection with Richie due to the fact he was on the team with him. Bill couldn't comprehend how Richie could just forget about Eddie, thinking back on how close they were.

Bill's train of thought was interrupted by Stan,

"Hey I got to go, Eddie's waiting for me." He paused, "I'm sure you also have somewhere to be," he said quietly, gesturing at the bag hanging off of Bill's shoulder.

Bill nodded in response and watched Stan walk towards Eddie.

 

In which Eddie had his back faced to the bulletin board, he took deep breaths as he watched Stan walk towards him with a jump in his step.

Stan looked at Eddie questioningly, "so? did you?"

Eddie scratched the back of his neck and shook his head, "I-I haven't looked yet."

Stan shook his head, moving past Eddie; their shoulders gently brushed together. He went forward and looked at the list. Silence fell between the two until Eddie broke it.

"Uh, good or bad?" He said quietly picking at this lips because there was no more nail to bite.

Stan was silent for a moment, "good." He eventually responded.

Eddie turned around dreadfully. The long pause caused Eddie to believe the worst. He trudged towards the list, Stan moved out of the way so Eddie could read it himself.

Stan told the truth.

 **Daniel Gale; Eddie Kaspbrak**  
was written in bold near the top of the list.

Relief washed over the small boy as he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, a smile growing on his face. He felt Stan's hand on his shoulder, "told you, you had nothing to worry about."

"Daniel. They changed the gender... for me," Eddie said in disbelief.

"As I said-" Stan was cut off by Eddie gently pulling Stan into a hug, which caught him off guard. Eddie wasn't big on hugs, due to the fear of disease his mother implanted into his brain at a young age. Regardless, Stan wrapped his arms around Eddie, patting him on the back.

"Proud of you," Stan said as Eddie pulled away from him.

"Thanks, Mr. Scarecrow," Eddie smiled at Stan.

"Oh shut, I was expecting the tin man,"

"Why, cause you're a bird brain?" Eddie remarked, already laughing at his own joke.

"Ha-ha, very funny," Stan says sarcastically, trying to stop a smile from forming.

"Hey," Stan continued, "How about Freezes. Milkshakes on me?"

Eddie nodded, "I have til' around seven," he guessed.

Mrs. Kaspbrak was only alert when she wanted to be. She spent a lot of her time on the phone with their family doctor or just on the couch watching television. Bill always joked that she was just thinking up more diseases to convince Eddie he has. Eddie always thought he was probably right. Bill was almost always right.

Despite his speech, Bill was very academically oriented, which is why even he was a little shocked when Bill joined the football team. He usually is strictly a baseball boy and nothing else, but in the end, the boys thought it was good he was trying something different.

The two boys walked outside through the field doors, which were the two closest to them. Football practice was going on at that time. They both knew that, but neither of them cared.

Stan and Eddie walked side-by-side down the paved path out of the schoolyard. They were faced forward until they heard the same familiar voice from earlier that day.

"Eddie!" Bill yelled from the field, Eddie and Stan both faced to the left, which is where the source of the noise was. Boys were spread all around the field, helmets and all.

Eddie and Stan watched Bill walk towards a tall man which they assumed to be his coach, shortly after Bill started jogging towards the two of them.

Bill's actions caught the attention of a couple of boys on the field, but they quickly turned back to their activity. All but one.

He reached the two fairly quickly, Bill had really good endurance.

"So," he breathed out, "did they make the right choices?"

Stan replied, "I think so."

"I got the lead, Bill" Eddie continued, he felt a sense of pride by saying it out loud.

Bill broke out into a smile, "tha-that's amazing! I kn-knew you'd g-get it."

Eddie looked down at the ground once again, trying to hide his embarrassment.

Just then a voice called from the distance, catching the boys' attention.

"Denbrough!"

Bill glanced back at Eddie and Stan, "Th-that's my cue. I'll see y-you guys later," he said, turning back towards where the rest of the team was.

Bill liked running and he was good at it. Though, he wasn't confident enough to join the school's track team. Much like Eddie, in the end, Bill's nerves can sometimes get the best of him. He's too scared of failure, even though it is very unlikely.

That boy could successfully run sprints, long distance and maybe even do some jumping while placing very well, but he didn't want to take any chances. He was finally in a good place socially and he didn't want to risk that with a potential solo loss.

Bill reached the pile of boys who were huddled in the center of the field. He was back just in time for a new play.

The quarterback went over it, the coach taking half of the team to run the play and the other half doing drills. Then, they would switch.

Bill was often on the bench, despite his athletic abilities so he knew where he would be.

Surprisingly, Richie was there to join him. The tall boy landed himself next to Bill, ball in hand.

"Eddie?" Richie asks, looking at Bill.

"Y-yeah," Bill tightened the gloves on his hands, "wh-what about him?"

Richie was silent for a moment, not knowing what the purpose of asking was. He didn't know how to answer Bill.

"Is.. he okay?" Richie asked.

"I'd th-think so," Bill responded coolly. Richie should ask him himself.

Richie nodded, "okay but-"

Bill cut him off, "Eddie got the lead in the play."

Bill then ran forward, for it was his turn to run the drill.

Richie froze and suddenly felt... a longing, followed by a sense of pride.

He remembered how Eddie would act out the monologue from _'Ferris Bueller's Day Off,_ ' going on and getting a little tongue-tied when it came to the 'isms.' It was their favorite movie, being they pictured themselves as Cameron Frye and Ferris Bueller himself.

Richie's thoughts were interrupted by a blow of the whistle, signaling it was time to switch.

Richie shook his head and slid his helmet back on his head, starting back towards his coach.


	2. Torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/  
> a small anxiety attack

Eddie liked routine, so Stan never had to ask for his order.  
He always had the same thing at Freezes; some small fries and a chocolate milkshake.

Anyone who really knew the boy, also knew he liked to dip his fries in his milkshakes. Bill liked to tease him for it, he always used to talk about how 'gross it was' but he knocked it before he tried it.

Eddie sat across from Stan at one of the small tables close to the window, sipping on his medium-sized milkshake.

"Thanks, Stan," Eddie said, sticking his fry into the cup.

"You deserve it," Stan replied, mimicking Eddie's actions; also dipping his fry in his vanilla shake.  
"Especially for introducing me to the... strange but great combination," he continued.

Eddie nodded.  
Richie was the one that introduced Eddie to the combo that has become one of his favorites since.

 

_"Come on Eds, just give it a shot"_

_"Absolutely not. That's disgusting."_

_"Please. It's good.”_

_"Who mixes salty and sweet, then confidently says its good?"_

_"If salty and sweet don't mix, then how are we friends?"_

 

It was one of the first times Eddie was faced with any sort of defeat when it came to Richie. He was pretty good at standing his ground, but he's glad he broke because it tasted great.

"So, did you see that Greta got the wicked witch?" Stan asked, pointing out the quite obvious irony in the situation put in front of them.

Eddie looked up at Stan, "did she?"

Stan nodded. "She tried for Dorothy,"

"She still got a decent sized part."  
The Wicked Witch was one of the main characters… there wouldn't be much of a storyline without her.

"No, she got the first one. East. She dies in the third scene," Stan continued, shoving three fries into his mouth.

Eddie shook his head, "I don't feel bad."

"Hm, neither do I"

Eddie looked at the clock behind Stan, the clock read half past.

Eddie stood up, grabbing his empty fry bag in one hand and shake in the other. "I should start heading home," Eddie looked down at Stan for one of the first times in his life.

"Don't you have til’ seven?" Stan asked, chewing on his red straw.

"Rather be safe than sorry, you know how she can be."

Stan was quick to agree. Back when they were all friends, Eddie's mom was one of the people they had to constantly be worrying about. Eddie couldn't even be seconds late without her freaking out. Richie was the one that always pushed her buttons, along with pushing Eddie's.

It doesn't help that Eddie's mom wasn't very fond of Stan. She thought the Jewish religion was 'too strange' and that Catholic was the way to go.

Come to think of it, the only friend of Eddie's that Mrs. Kaspbrak liked, had to be Bill. So, if anything, he would end up trying to lie and tell his mom that he was with Bill. The keyword was "try" because Eddie was not a good liar. It was a good trait, it kept him an honest man; however, there were the times it would just get him in more trouble. That was the one thing you could rely on with Eddie, he almost always told the truth; even if it isn’t with his mouth.

Stan walked alongside Eddie towards his house which was a couple blocks away from his own, still sipping on his shake.

"So, what's with that lab partner of yours?" Stan asked, looking over at Eddie.

Her name was Marcia, she had black short hair and almost always wore the same sweater. Eddie was genuinely confused about what Stan meant, he gave him a look of confusion.

"I think she's into you," Stan stated.

Eddie immediately got nervous. He didn't like that. idea Eddie shook his head, "no."

Stan shrugged, "it's a possibility."

"Nothing is going to happen," Eddie spat out quickly. He also began to chew on his straw. He was getting anxious.

Stan was silent for a couple moments... "Eddie, you know you can tell me anything?"

Eddie hit the bottom of his shake, it started to make the noise that always made Richie's skin crawl. Eddie stopped sucking on the straw out of habit and nodded.

"I miss Richie," Eddie stated, monotone.

Once again, Stan took a pause and responded: "I know. I'm sorry."

Eddie sighed, squeezing his milkshake cup. He was unsure of where the wave of emotions was coming from; maybe it was because he saw him earlier today, maybe it was the interactions with Bill or maybe it was the thought that there was a possibility that Richie might miss him too.

He squeezed his eyes shut again, scrunching his nose in the process. Stan looked over at Eddie, whose cheeks were a light shade of pink from the pressure.

The two boys walked together in silence. Stan's mind began to wander, he thought about both Eddie and Richie and felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. It clicked, "I'm sorry if the whole Marcia thing made you uncomfortable."

Eddie's eyes snapped in Stan's direction, "no, no it's fine.”

Deep down, Stan knew that Eddie thought of Richie as more than just a friend. It was almost as if he became a part of Eddie. Stan always thought they were better people, pushing each other to do better in all the ways they knew how. Richie managed to bring out a more adventurous side of Eddie, while Eddie kept the both of them out of trouble. It was even simply the way they were always so closely sat and the noticeable sense of comfort Eddie always felt when he was with Richie. It was very rarely where Eddie would have to 'reset' around Richie, but now he's one of the main causes.

They soon reached the corner where Stan would leave Eddie, who was still very quiet. Eddie stopped looked at his watch, "ten minutes."

"Good for time," Stan responded.

"Always am, kinda have to be."

 "I'll see you tomorrow?" Stan asked, walking backward down his own street.

"Yeah, thanks again," Eddie replied.

Eddie walked down his street with the thought of Richie clouding his mind. He’s had a lot bit of trouble understanding why this boy was on his mind so much lately. He thought he was doing well – it’s been revealed today, he thought wrong.

He cautiously walked up the steps to his deck. In all honesty, he didn’t trust that they wouldn’t break one day. He opened his front door and stepped inside; his house always had an old, musty smell.

“Ma, I’m home,” He shouted, sliding his backpack off his back.

“You’re late,” she yelled from the living room.  
Eddie walked through the archway to where his mother was sitting, as per usual.

“Actually, I’m early,” he said softly, shoving his hands in his khaki shorts.

“I said six thirty,” she looked over at the boy who stood straight as a board.

“You told me seven,” he responded, he surprised himself with how calm he was.

He stood there in silence while his mother stared at the television. He didn’t want to risk leaving before she was done talking.

As if on cue, she broke the silence: “where were you, anyway?”

“I-I was at Freeze’s,”

“With who? Were you with that Richie kid again because-”

Eddie cut her off, “no,” he retorted. “I wasn’t with Richie. I haven’t been with Richie.”

“Oh, good.” She stated, folding her arms.  
“He’s trouble,” she continued.

Eddie rolled his eyes when she wasn’t looking, he knew she didn’t like him from the start because she mentions it whenever she has the chance.

He changed the subject, “I got the lead Ma.”

“What play?” She asked, not breaking eye contact with the tv screen in front of her.

“Wizard of Oz,” his weight shifted as he braced himself for the next comment.

“They have you playing the role of a woman? What do they think you are, some fairy?”

Eddie flinched at his mother’s words, he took a deep breath and continued, “they changed the gender.”

“Oh, so now Dorothy is a tr-”

At that moment Eddie gave up – grabbing his bag, he turned around and ran up the stairs, straight to his bedroom. He heard his mother yelling from downstairs, but he knew she wouldn’t bother to get up and chase after him.

He sighed aloud and tossed his backpack on the floor.

He sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his palms which were sticky from sweat.

Once again, he heard his mothers voice. His chest began to tighten up. He knew it probably wasn’t a great idea to leave but he couldn’t really handle the things she was saying. It was a rough day and her actions were just the icing on the cake.

He ran his hands through his hair leaving one to fall on his pillow, which he lifted up and threw to the ground as hard as he could.

He stood up and began to pace his bedroom, tears were pricking at his eyes.

Eddie wanted to be alone, but admittedly, it wasn’t the best thing for him at that time. He needed somebody; Richie was always his somebody, but Richie isn’t around anymore.

That same realization that has been poking at him since three o’clock this afternoon finally set him over the edge.

Tears welled up in his eyes before he squeezed them shut, a tear slid down his freckled cheek while he felt a fist-sized lump rise up in his throat. His breathing became shallow as goosebumps covered his arms.

He stumbled to his bed, for his vision was blurred and he laid down; curled up into a ball.

Eddie laid in a fetal position for a solid five or six minutes. His heart wrenching as he shook, arms curled up and eyes tightly shut. He opened his eyes and tried to bring his attention to the lamp on his bedside table. He examined the color, the shape and the warmth the lightbulb produced when it was turned on. Eddie’s breathing started to regulate and he loosened the grip he had around his body, trying to catch his breath while tears were still trickling down his face.

Memories are the worst form of torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, i will apologize for the slow updates.
> 
> i tried to write anxiety the best i could. i tried to take things from my own personal experiences with anxiety.  
> he calmed down by grounding; which is usually how i bring myself back.
> 
> also, has anyone else actually tried dipping their fries in their milkshake? or ice cream even?  
> if not, i seriously recommend it. it's ridiculously good.

**Author's Note:**

> i have quite a bit of inspiration for this one!!
> 
> constructive criticism and feedback is always appreciated :)
> 
> xx


End file.
